Say cheese!

Since I was ranting in my previous post about profile pictures I figured I owed it to you to elaborate.  For those of you who have already dabbled in the online dating scene, you know exactly what I’m talking about.  For those of you online dating virgins, you are in for a treat!

The “illusionist” !  Sometimes their profile picture looks kinda cute and you’re thinking….alright…here is some potential.  Then you scroll through the rest of the pictures and it’s bad news! Always make sure you scroll through all pictures ladies!  A lot of guys will also take the brilliant approach to post photo after photo without a face shot, very distant or blurry.  For example: a ski shot, a wakeboard shot, a rock climbing shot, an underwater scuba shot, random web images, etc…can you visualize it?  I’m sorry but if you don’t have a close up face shot what’s the point?  Let’s be frank,  I want to see what you look like…am I going to want to kiss you?  It may sound shallow, but I call it how I see it…initially it’s a physical attraction from the photo…then you read on to see if you connect on a level other than physical.

The “Where’s Waldo”!  This is a very common profile problem.   You really have no idea which guy is the eligible bachelor because all of his pictures are group pictures with about 10 other guys(usually doing keg stands, dirt biking, mud wrestling, etc…).  And I hate to say it, but all to often it’s the unattractive man taking this approach which is silly.  I get all excited because there are hot guys in the photo, only to find out it’s the one homely guy in the photo…ugh!  I kinda want to say, “yeah you look nice guy but …are your hot friends single?”

The “Poser”!  This approach just kills me.  These guys pose with young children.  There is always a disclaimer as you read their profile “the kid isn’t  mine…just a friends kid, my niece, my neighbors kid, a strange child from he park-haha”.  As if seeing a man with a child is a turn on? All I can say is if that was my kid plastered on an online dating site as bait, I’d be pissed!

The “Narcissist”! These guys are hilarious.  Picture after picture of bathroom shirtless selfies, gym selfies, shirtless laying in bed selfies,etc…I know that texting, social media, and selfies are the norm these days but geesh! When I’m at the gym I can’t imagine posing in front of the mirrors and taking selfies…aren’t they there to work out? The funny thing is a lot of these guys have bodies that are not hot!  I mean if you are going to put it out there like that…it should be lean and mean…just sayin!

The “Rambo”!  I have to say though I think my favorite(I’m being SUPER sarcastic)profile is the bachelor posing with his big guns next to a dead animal.  Photo after photo of guns, dead animals, camo, knives, etc.  I mean come on, this is a dating site…not an entry into your hunting magazine for “shot of the month”!!! I don’t know about you, but seeing a man with big guns next to dead animals kinda gives me the creeps…not really a turn on.  Instead of ending up in his bed at the end of the date you might find yourself bound on the roof of his truck-yikes!

Are these men really that clueless as to what women want and find attractive?

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What were they thinking????

After my profile was approved, I was able to start searching.   The anticipation was almost unbearable….I couldn’t wait to start searching for my Mr Right…how would I choose from so many eligible bachelors right??? Boy was I wrong!   I was hit like a mack truck with hundreds of God awful profiles.  Is this it…seriously…was I being punk’d?   Where are all the hot, buff, successful men?   I spent so much time on my profile pondering over what to say, which photos to use, trying to be fun and flirty and real.  It seemed like most of these guys could care less about their profiles.  I mean were they hammered when they created their profile, is this a joke to them, are they crazy?  The first thing you see on these sites is the profile picture.  Pretty much right off the bat it’s a “yes” or “no” from their pictures.  Then if you are attracted physically, you click on their profile and read about them. I was floored by the number of ridiculous profile pictures…we aren’t even talking content yet. As I scrolled through all these profiles I sat there shaking my head thinking…”what were these guys thinking”?

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Time to Sell Yourself Girl!

Set up my profile….should be easy right??? Ok well let’s come up with a username…needs to be catchy, descriptive, but still anonymous. Also need pictures.  After looking at other profiles, I am learning people are really into selfies…DAMN!  I hate selfies…always feel I look like a total douche.  So I scour through my pictures that are pretty current that I can easily crop, because of course the rare photos I am in are with my kiddos.  After I get my pictures, I need to actually write my profile…all about me….in a sense “sell” myself!   This is SOOO hard.  Don’t want to come off as braggy, long winded, boring, etc.  Do I mention my kids or no? I don’t want to say too much about myself, but enough so they are interested.  After many hours of deliberating whether I really should do this I figure what do I have to lose.  Hey….I am single and ready to mingle…let’s do this!  I hit submit and now I wait for my profile to be approved. After I hit that return key, I have an overwhelming sense of dread come over me.  Am I really ready to open my heart again?

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Online dating….really????

Dating…..how do I even do that????  I’ve been off the market for 17 years for crying out loud!  The last time I was single I was just a child!  And anyway, dating in high school and college for me wasn’t really “dating” it was more like hooking up.  You know what I mean girlies, right?  Back then you would meet boys (I’m not sure I’d call them men) in the dorms, in the school hallways, frat parties, common places we all hung out at as young people….point being, it was very easy to meet someone your age with similar interests and in the same place in life.

Even though I have missed having the passion, desire and that lustful connection toward someone for many, many, many, many (you get my point) years, and would love to be with someone again, the idea of “being” with another man scares the crap out of me!  It’s a tug of war within me.  I want a relationship but at the same time, I want to run and hide at the thought of one.
 Even towards the end when I hated “D” (you remember “D”? My Ex!) there was comfort in the familiar, he knew me, and  I knew him. He was the “devil I knew” so to speak.   Now I have to meet new men? Terrifyingly.  What if I meet another “D”?? And to go through the process of learning who they are, how they communicate, figuring out if they are safe and trustworthy? Yikes! How do I do that?  Do I even trust myself to pick a good man? Seems overwhelming and scary at times.
To be honest, when I imagined my dating life after divorce, I saw my girlfriends setting me up left and right, men at my every disposal! But, alas no.  That would have been too easy. Seems my friends (who are mostly married), only know and hang with other married people.  Reflecting back on my married life, I really only knew married men too. Sigh.
So how does one meet someone after divorce? Well, ladies you guessed it, online dating! I can’t freaking believe I even have to consider putting a profile of myself online!  Seemed to me like only creepy people did that or desperate social outcasts….not me! Never in a million years did I think I would be 39 and on an online dating site-gawd! As much as I didn’t want to go this route, I  was ready to be with someone again so I felt i really had no choice. I was lonely and let’s face it ladies, it had been a LOOOOONG time since I had any action…..know what I mean? A girl has needs….just sayin!
I couldnt help but wonder/worry….have I given myself enough time to fix my “picker”?
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Wow….so where do I begin?

Hey ladies, welcome to the blog!  I guess I should give you a little background first so you get a sense of the kind of girl I am and how I got here.  I’m a 39 year old East Coaster with that city girl attitude and at times quite a potty mouth.  I’m sure you will see that come out in my blogging!  I apologize in advance but hey, I say it like I see it.

I met my ex husband whom I will affectionately refer to as “D” (you can use your imagination as to what “D” stands for)  from here on out when I was 23.   He was several years older and successful in his trade.  He had his stuff together (so I thought) and seemed stable.  Again, so I thought.  We dated, moved in quickly, got married, had kids….you know the story.  I don’t want to bore you with all the crummy details of my failed marriage but needless to say, it was bad.  Most likely if you are reading this, you know how awful or at least have an idea of how a loveless and dysfunctional marriage is and subsequently, how devastating the divorce can be.

I took the first six months after my divorce to recover and recoup.  I seriously felt like I hadn’t slept, ate or smiled in a year.  Once I got my faculties in order, I figured I was ready to get out there and start dating.

And so the story begins…..

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